8 signs you're adopting your parent's relationship mistakes

2023 Author: Gabrielle Mercer | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 12:25

We learn a lot from our parents, which is still stuck in adulthood - unfortunately also when it comes to bad habits in the partnership.

We learn a lot from our families that stay with us into adulthood. While we adopt, adapt, and eventually make our family values our own when it comes to our work ethic, political attitudes, or even diet, there are other things that may be less easy to change. With love especially, there are more than a few signs that we have learned bad relationship habits from our parents. Most of the time, they probably don't even know what they're teaching us, as most parents don't talk to their children about the emotional aspects of love at all, according to a new study.

The study, conducted by the Harvard Graduate School of Education, found that most families do not sit down with teenagers and talk about love when they have "the conversation", even though 65 percent of children surveyed said they would be open to such conversations.

Let's think about it: children are either taught at home (or in a poorer than right sex education class) about sexually transmitted diseases, learn about condoms, and are then sent out into the world to find their way in relationships without a clue how the really hard part of partnerships works. So, if you feel like you've learned the most about love and relationships from RnB songs and rom-coms, you are not alone.

Fortunately, with a little work, you can unlearn bad relationship habits. But first you have to know what you are doing wrong. Here are a few signs that you have inherited your parent's relationship mistakes:

1. You don't trust your partner

Were you very young when your parents divorced or had a tough time? This can later trigger relationship anxiety or fear of rejection. You know firsthand that relationships can fail, which can make you an insecure relationship type.

2. You talk to ALL N - except your partner

Communication styles are one of the first things we pick up as kids. If your parents weren't very good at discussing things, you may never have learned * how * important talking really is. Did your parents like to complain about each other? And with everyone who wasn't with three in the tree? Then you may prefer to talk to your friends about relationship problems rather than to your partner himself.

3. You are only telling your partner half the story

"But don't tell mom!" Do you remember that sentence? Supposedly small and unimportant white lies can later trigger major trust problems in adults. It is better to agree with your partner in advance that you should always focus on your wishes and feelings during conversations and not see everything as an attack. This makes it easier to tell the * whole * truth.

4. The whole sex thing? Stress yourself

Have your parents never or rarely shown affection before you? No fleeting touches and kisses? Seeing sex as something positive and natural (or not) is something that we mostly notice from our parents' home. If parents find it difficult to talk loosely about sex and pretend it doesn't exist, it is often just as difficult for the children to speak openly about their sexual needs later on.

5. You cannot argue

You probably argue like your parents did. Do you always want to keep the peace? Do you react passively-aggressively or do you love drama? These are all habits you might have inherited from your parents. Quarrels are normal and are part of any healthy relationship - you just have to know HOW to do it right.

6. Everything is a competition for you

There is no winner or loser in a relationship. But if your parents always wanted to overtake each other, you too may be ambitious when it comes to love. It's important to remember that relationships are about teamwork and there really is no finish line to cross. For this reason, it is important to resolve conflicts, talk about problems before they get out of hand, and learn to trust the other. You are on the same page. Period. The end.

7. Monogamy is not your thing

There's no study to suggest that divorce upsets children for life, but research shows that children of unfaithful parents have a harder emotional time. The side effects of having an affair on a child include "low self-esteem, a sense of abandonment, poor academic performance, antisocial behavior, and the suffering of simply missing the absent parent". All of these can lead to bad relationship habits, one of which is not communicating what you want in a relationship and then cheating on someone, or just never allowing yourself to commit to someone enough to be interested in them in the first place to be faithful.

8. You always find yourself in bad relationships

Affairs already harm a child? Domestic violence even more so. Growing up in a household where there has been physical or emotional violence leaves trauma. This can lead to falling into similar patterns as an adult. This can also mean that you are in a healthy relationship, but it just doesn't feel * right * to you because you don't even know what it is like to be loved in a healthy way. Domestic violence is about much more than beating. Drug problems, outbreaks of violence, and constant screaming are also forms of violence. So also emotional violence, i.e. constant downsizing, constant control and Co. Are you caught in such a vicious circle? At the women's helpline you can get anonymous advice around the clock free of charge: 0800/133 133