2023 Author: Gabrielle Mercer | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 12:25
"What are you hiding from me?" In the following video, Corey and Lynette want to hear the truth about their relationship. And we ask ourselves: how much secret does love need?
Lisa is a shopaholic. If she's bored or frustrated, she can order new blouses, shoes and bags from online shops. If her boyfriend notices the things, she tells him that she "already got it". Or she hides the parts from him.
Ridiculous? Naturally. Lisa earns her own money, she can do whatever she wants with it. And yet: She's afraid that he'll think it's wasteful, especially because she always thinks she doesn't have enough money for a new cooker hood.
Secrets from our partner, we all have them. Smaller and bigger. That we've been paying off a loan for years because we were once young and unreasonable. That we have a dildo in the bed drawer. That we only change our socks every two days. That we still have regular contact with our ex. That we are secretly browsing his Facebook messages.
How much secret does the relationship need?
Even if we like to demand absolute honesty from our counterpart: secrets are important for the relationship. Tension and curiosity remain when we don't always know everything. Not telling everything, but also hiding some things, that does not automatically mean excluding the other from life and not understanding yourself as "WE". It means that we still remain independent people with desires, dreams and individual needs.
Good. So secrets are also a lubricant for a relationship. But why are there so often secrets that sneak into love like a poison and slowly decompose it?
Quite simply: It only becomes problematic when the secrets have to do with betrayal, fraud or the concealment of facts about which the other person would have the right to know. But where is the limit?
In the following video, fiancée Corey and Lynette tell each other the secrets that they have kept secret so far. Did Lynette have something with someone else during a brief break? Why is she so afraid that he will be successful as a musician? What has he been hiding from her for years?
In the face of this video, we may have to admit: Truth is not always really appropriate. When, that's up to our own assessment. As a checklist: Those two forms of lies that couples therapists experience most frequently in their practice:
1
Lie as protection. You are not telling your boyfriend or girlfriend that your parents think he or she is intellectually inferior. You will never say that sex with your ex was just better. Or even just that his gift unfortunately doesn't suit your taste. You know exactly about the sensitive areas in the other. In order not to hurt him or her, you hide things that would make you sad. That is considerate and strengthens the relationship. How far you go with the hiding and when you feel guilty, however, differs from person to person.
2
Lie as an end in itself. Here the lie is an instrument to keep a secret secret. One lies in order to exonerate oneself or not to betray oneself. This lie can (depending on its severity) become love poison. You want to "spare yourself trouble". But the very idea that it can lead to anger leads to distance from the partner.