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2023 Author: Gabrielle Mercer | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 12:25
Eternal harmony is an illusion. But what if parents argue in front of their children? Then it is important that we observe these conflict rules.
"NEVER IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!" - We swore to each other. Unfortunately, emotions rarely stick to oaths. I'm grumpy, he's sloppy. We poison each other, keep silent - and then we both can no longer take it. Hissed accusations turn into an argument. In front of the children, who feel the bad mood even though they haven't spoken aloud yet. And who hear us quarreling later, even though we are in the kitchen and have closed the door behind us.
Quarreling is part of a relationship. Constant harmony should make one suspicious. Because a noise is cleansing, a conflict has to be resolved in order to define boundaries and to create space for understanding again. But what does a parent's argument mean for the children?
You cannot reach the logical level over the emotional parts. For them, a row only means: The two most important people can no longer be together. That scares you. Above all, however, children learn from our conflict behavior for their own lives. Aggression, nasty injuries or freezing distance: these are all patterns that they adopt from us.
It is all the more important that we act correctly in the event of an unavoidable dispute. How it works?
5 rules for better fighting in front of children
DISPUTE IS A PART OF OUR LIFE. Your children need to learn that fighting is a part of our lives. It is up to you to teach them that conflicts can be resolved again. In a word: A quarrel does not mean the end of the world - and certainly not the end of love. If you argued in front of the children, it is all the more important that you reconcile before them too.
DO NOT LIE. Children hate the feeling of being lied to. They just sense when their parents are not on good terms, when there is coldness or anger. You can pull yourself together in front of them and communicate with a sour grin - their fine antennae notice that something is wrong. Which is why they can imagine the worst things. It is all the more important to be honest: "Yes, we argue. Mom is angry with Dad right now - and we have different opinions. That has nothing to do with you. We try to make it up again quickly."
DO NOT BECOME UNDERGROUND. "You're a giant A …" or "Your way pisses me off, you are the very last!". "I should never have married you, you are the biggest mistake of my life!" When we are angry, we tend to say nasty, devastating things to hurt the other. Children feel this hostility between parents even worse. Therefore: Make every effort to remain constructive and fair. Your goal in the dispute is not to put the other down, but to create the basis for reconciliation.
YOUR CHILD IS NOT THE REFEREE. Never bring your child into a loyalty conflict in which they have to decide between mom and dad. It is not your counselor who pukes up on your partner, nor is it the referee who decides which of you is right. This situation is overwhelming and demands a responsibility that is too great. Such pressure can lead to serious mental health problems for your child.
THE MOOD HAS TO IMPROVE. Of course, you can't go back to business as usual if you've just quarreled. But at some point the mood has to improve again. A cold, hostile family climate can permanently damage your child's soul. It becomes more difficult for them to have a healthy relationship later. So if your relationship is over, end it. "We only stay together because of the children" is meant nicely - but in the case of strong relationship problems it is exactly the wrong conclusion for the well-being of the children.