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Years later, 19 older couples or people who decided not to have children reveal how they feel about it in old age. Is there any remorse? Or do they still feel that the decision to have remained childless is the right one?
Comments: 2
Most people who have decided not to want children hear one question from others: Do you think that you will regret this decision at some point? So one person on Reddit asked this exact question to those who should actually know the answer: namely, people who decided many years ago not to have children. Have you regretted your decision in the meantime?
Older people who have decided not to have children: do you stand by your decision or do you regret it?
Translation: My husband and I are in our 50s and have been married for 19 years. We both grew up with abuse in the family, were the “smart kids” in the family, worked our way through college and made something of ourselves before we met and married. With much in common, we made a strong, solid marriage.
We thought about having kids, but after working so hard to recover from childhood abuse and escape the cycle of poverty we grew up in, we decided long ago that only us both were enough. We still consider ourselves family and are very happy with our lives together. Our home is peaceful and that is what we care about most.
If I had to decide now whether to become a mother or to have the marriage that I have and the life that I now enjoy, there would be absolutely no comparison. I do not regret anything.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: We have been married for twenty years. We are both 50. Neither of us wanted to bring children into our families.
I spent a WONDERFUL afternoon with my 16 year old niece yesterday. We talked about her boyfriend, picked blackberries, and discovered a clam that lived in a puddle of mud in the forest that we called Fred. It was magical. I just love them.
Not having children is just as normal as wanting children, I always had the feeling. I regret nothing
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: stop worrying: It would be selfish and immoral to just want children to take care of your elderly.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: I've been married for 21 years and we tried to have kids at first but found it was going to be difficult. My wife was devastated at first, but I was even a little relieved. It's a lot of responsibility and your life changes completely with kids.
In fact, over the years my wife has said a few times that she was glad we didn't have children because we couldn't have had the adventures we went on. I think it was the right decision and we're better off because we don't have kids. We love our lives and now we have our adventures in our 50s and we are already beginning to make plans for retirement.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: I'm in my late 50s, married, no kids. It's a great life. Our money and time are ours only.
I have a large number of nieces and nephews, and I am friends of "uncles" to many of the children. And they're all lovely as hell to a jolly aunt and uncle with a lot of disposable income. In her late teens and college years, we become confidants when relationships with parents are strained. We can help you with the occasional vacation or with the procurement of a good used car.
We may not have children, but the children in our family think we are great.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: My husband and I are 48 years old. It is still a great relief not to have children. We are allowed to travel, have a nice house, walk around naked if we want, and I have an disposable income to support important causes. My life is full and happy.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: I am now 60 and have been married for 29 years. God didn't give me the right temperament to raise children. I have never regretted our decision to be child free. We're fine.
In the video: These 5 things people regret shortly before they die
Translation: I am a 49 year old woman and have never regretted my decision not to have children. I guess I just don't have the mommy gene. I like not having the responsibilities and duties (and expenses!) That come with having children.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: My wife and I have been married for 12 years - I am 36 years old and she is 40 years old. It is unlikely to happen again and that is a reality that, although tough, I am slowly learning to accept.
I realized that as a man I always saw children through rose-colored glasses - ball games, working on my classic car with them, having fun, the fun stuff. This is easy for me as it is not my body and my change in the same. My wife doesn't want children and it's her body and I love and respect her too much to force her to do anything else. If one of us doesn't completely agree with an important decision, we don't, end of discussion.
I look forward to pampering my nieces and nephews, spending more time with my wife and forever shaping our world around us
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: Couple in their mid 40s. We feel regret, a lot of regret.
We are a bit special, however, and we may still have a chance. We are past normal ages for children, but we frozen our sex cells a long time ago just in case we change our minds.
For us, the decision not to have children was more practical than ideological. At that time we both had chronically ill family members who needed a lot of time and energy. The idea of throwing a kid into the mix seemed bad and unfair. Besides, neither of us really wanted to have children, we just enjoyed each other's company and that was more than enough at the time. Having children seemed like an extremely stressful experience even under the best of circumstances, and we managed to get away from it. So why not I was the type who loved kids (I love all of my nephews) as long as I could give them back to their parents after a while.
I am a geneticist. And so I thought we should freeze our cells so that if we ever decide to have children - even if we can "naturally" do it but are older - still have young egg and sperm cells. I know this seems unromantic, but we have a practical approach to life.
Things are really different now since we decided not to have children all those years ago. We have less responsibility and our financial situation is great. We have had the chance to live and travel all over the world, living for our careers and spending many years in company with one another. I feel like we've done all that can be done when you don't have kids. Now we have the need to have a family of our own, that is, a family with more than just the two of us. Now we regret it very much. Regret not having a child at all and not having when we were younger. Old as we are, we will likely go back to our egg and sperm cells now and try if our doctor says it's okay.
The funny thing is, I think my answer could be completely different if we were in the situation but didn't have frozen cells available. I think we shouldn't allow ourselves the luxury of regret then. If the decision is irreversible, I think it's only natural to only look at the positive side of things, especially if it's a mistake that there's not much to learn from.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: I fear the answer to that. I am still undecided. But I'll never forget holding a man's hand on his last day in the hospice when he said, "Oh God, I wish I had a child."
He was married to a woman for almost 50 years and taught for almost 40 years. In his room there were maps and photos of former students, friends and family. It's impossible to tell if he was still sane, but the regret in his voice was heartbreaking.
I now say I would be happy with or without children; it doesn't matter if it's my own, adopted or stepchild, but I'll never find out until the end.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: Married in mid 40s, 22 years. No regret. We're both very happy - we have a great marriage, fulfilling jobs, money (and time) for all the fun things we want to do, and travel as much as we want (currently in week 6 of a seven week road trip). I have never missed having children in my life, and I never felt that children were essential to my happiness. I'm sure it's great for those who actually want kids, but I've never been one of those people.
I also have about 16 nieces and nephews so we can have the whole "with a kid" thing for a week or two … and then send them home, which works perfectly.
Our two cats and a dog are as close to having children as we will ever see, and trust me - that's as much responsibility for someone else's life as we should be given. I love our pets, but having a dog showed me very clearly that it is good that we never had children.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: My husband and I have been together for 27 years and we originally said we didn't want children. Then we thought we should have some and tried for a decade with no luck. So we had a serious conversation and decided we didn't really want her after all and stopped trying. Now that the pressure is gone and we both feel nothing but relief, we are enjoying life so much. It's wonderful to just be selfish without having to apologize or resent and to be able to travel on our own schedule and make decisions that only concern us. Of course, if we could have had kids we would have loved and accepted them, but it didn't happen, so don't worry. And we don't have to worry about accidentally ruining someone else's life. Life is good and we have the finances and resources to take care of ourselves.
The only negative is that we will both be the last in our respective families. But that doesn't seem like a good reason to try the crazy fertility treatments that go beyond what we've already done.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: I'm approaching 60, my husband is 70, and we get that question a lot. We know we made the right choice. I'm a teacher so I've spent my life working with wonderful kids, but I just never wanted to go home to more kids after work. We don't know who will look after us when we are decrepit, but adult children are no guarantee that you will be cared for in old age.
However, I think we will both miss having grandchildren, Christmas is quiet and there are no family celebrations. That part is a little bit sad.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: Regarding my partner, all I can say is that he has physical and psychological problems that he mentioned that he would rather not pass them on to a child.
I have always said myself that I fear that one day I might regret not having children, but that is not the same as wanting children. And that's an important difference for me. I have my own reasons for believing that I probably wouldn't be a good parent.
Yes, we both sometimes worry if either one will take care of the "survivor" when the other is gone or unable to work. But this thought is the result of our choice and not a basis for changing our minds about children, which we are not going to do. Having children or not isn't a guarantee that you won't end up alone, although of course it does increase your chances.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: "I occasionally fear that one day I might regret not having children. It's not the same as wanting children."
Thank you for that comment. I am an only child and the only one of my cousins (including the youngest) who is not yet married and has no children yet. The older I get, the more I think parenting is not for me. But I feel like I have a strange obligation to have kids and I am seriously scared of missing out. Your comment gave me a new perspective.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: No regrets. Not everyone wants children, and if you are unsure about them, it is best to avoid them. Having doubting parents (or worse) doesn't have a positive effect on children's self-esteem.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: Yes, as a child of someone who clearly didn't want children, but had them anyway because that's what everyone does after marriage, I can only say: Please don't have children if you don't have 100% of them are convinced. Children should be wanted.
Comment from discussion Older couples that decided to not have children … how do you feel about your decision now that years have passed?.
Translation: I'm not a couple, just a person. I've been in many relationships and married twice. I wouldn't have been a good parent. I sometimes regret that I wasn't born into another life, but given the cards I've been dealt … I think I made the right choice and I haven't looked back.
