Table of contents:
- Threatening separation in an argument: as a punishment and confirmation
- How it will permanently affect your relationship if you repeatedly threaten to break up in an argument:
A minor disagreement that turns into a serious conflict in a relationship. He's angry, and so is she. Everyone blames the other in an argument, both are desperate and don't know what to do next. Suddenly he becomes very calm, very distant. "I don't want to be like that anymore. Let's just forget it. It's always the same. A breakup is probably better."
Then he gets up, turns and leaves.
It is not the first time that she has experienced this situation. Every major row ends with the fact that he wants to pull the rip cord. Or better: threatened with it.
In the end, both tearfully confess their love to each other. But the threat of love-out sits deep within them.
Threatening separation in an argument: as a punishment and confirmation
The behavior is not particularly unusual. It reminds a little of our childhood and the defiance phase. If we didn't get what we wanted from mom, then we just sat down on the floor and stopped. Or if we were losing at the board game, then we would get up in the middle and say: "Now I don't like it anymore."
Let's look at love as a game (and that's probably the best way to look at it, because it should usually be fun). In a game, however, it also happens that we foul or feel that we have been treated unfairly. As long as both sides play along and try to restore the rules, everything is okay. But if one threatens to leave the relationship playing field just to get his way or to change the balance of power in his favor (by the other begging and confirming love), then things get into trouble.
Because the threat of separation calls the relationship itself into question. And that has a permanent problematic effect on the partnership.
How it will permanently affect your relationship if you repeatedly threaten to break up in an argument:
Having an argument every now and then is necessary and can even be helpful. To clarify the fronts and then to feel closeness again. But if conflicts are to be resolved, both need to be sure that the other will not give up just because things are now difficult.
If we recklessly threaten to leave the other person as soon as the going gets tough, then we destroy this security. Not necessarily the first time. But love is hollowed out bit by bit with every frivolous threat of separation until the foundation finally collapses. The base is gone.
So if your partner immediately questions the entire relationship in almost every argument, then you have to clarify that with him or her. And say what it triggers, what it means when you threaten prematurely. Because a couple is only really a couple if they understand themselves as such with absolute certainty.