"Enough! I'm going!" - In an argument, you can quickly threaten to break up. Why this behavior is undermining your relationship faster than really wanted.
"I'm going! I don't want to anymore. I don't love you anymore. I'm leaving you!" - You say a lot in an argument. Hurtful. Sometimes you actually feel that way in the second. You want it to stop, you don't want this stress, these hurts any more.
And yet you should never threaten a breakup if you are not really convinced of it. Because nothing undermines a relationship as reliably as using the topic of separation or divorce as part of your dispute repertoire.
Sure: a relationship is not always rosy, there are ups and downs. But especially in the down phases one should avoid any pessimism about staying together. These empty threats are a bit like programming a computer or learning a new language: the repetitions are memorable. And at some point they become truths.
If you live in a relationship and you care about your partner, then you should do your best for it. Even if you see red with anger and hurt - don't reach into the deepest drawer of the injuries and threaten to leave.
When to talk about a breakup
Now it is perhaps the case that the level of suffering in the relationship is already enormous. So high that you're really seriously considering breaking up - and not just wanting to threaten it.
Then of course you have to address this issue. Your partner has the right to know what is at stake if they don't change their behavior. This gives him the opportunity to reflect on how important the relationship is to him. Does he want to change his behavior so that your love has a chance? For example, looking after the children in equal parts, looking for a job nearby so that the long-distance relationship is ended, not drinking so much anymore …
It wouldn't be fair to only talk about a breakup after you've already decided to leave. A relationship has a lot more potential to change for the better than you might initially assume …
