Relationship: stop defending yourself
Relationship: stop defending yourself

"But I just wanted …!" Relationship crash. You feel attacked, you start your defense. Why you shouldn't do that anymore.

Relationship: stop defending yourself!
Relationship: stop defending yourself!

As always. Really AS ALWAYS. "I always think about what we could do on the weekend. You NEVER make a suggestion." Your friend is looking at you. "But two weeks ago I said anyway that we could go out to my parents' house." You moan. "To your parents ???? Now honestly! That's not what I imagine a great weekend outing to be." He looks at you big: "I thought you like my parents! I just meant it nicely." In addition: It would not be the case with God that all ideas only come from you. And anyway: YOU wouldn't conjure up such insane suggestions out of your hat.

It's a classic. One of the partners has needs. He wants more action, more togetherness, more peace and quiet, daily calls, new romance, more sex … But the other one doesn't. At first, when being in love hides everything in a pink mist, this difference does not lead to any problems. You find out that the other person works differently. Most of the time you can handle it quite well.

But at some point you have the feeling that your partner doesn't even notice your own wishes. Not making an effort or trying to be happy sometimes. There is a discussion, in the worst case a dispute. One accuses. The other defends himself.

A completely natural process. Only unfortunately: the defense speech does not bring anything. At least it does nothing to resolve the conflict.

Because basically the partner understands your complaints. But he also wants to look good in front of you, he doesn't want to disappoint you. So justify yourself, defend yourself, make arguments - just to make you realize that he's not quite as bad and horrible as you feel right now.

This pattern affects almost all relationships. The frustration and unfulfilled wishes of one threaten the other. You feel in the dock and start a plea with circumstantial evidence of your innocence to exonerate yourself.

And this is where the problem begins. Which the partner then experiences as an evasion and defense and thus gets the feeling that his dissatisfaction has no justification. The more one defends himself, the less the other has the feeling that his needs and wishes have been heard and perceived. There is a serious conflict.

What can you do?

In truth there is only one thing: You have to stop defending and fighting back vehemently, even if you feel in the dock. But rather open up and talk about what is going on and what has happened within us. Then the partner can see and understand. Only in this way does he find out that we understand and have taken notice of his concern. That we are just not indifferent.

With the above allegations, your friend could also say that sometimes he just has no idea. Or that he has the feeling that you are doing better and better too. But that he'll be happy to do that next time. But it would help him if you tell him what you enjoy most. A visit to a restaurant. Movie theater. Hike. Because so he walks in gloom and assumes that visiting his parents is event enough in itself….

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