2023 Author: Gabrielle Mercer | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 12:25
Is your relationship in crisis? In the past you were closer, today there is no word? A development that can be stopped. If you ask the right questions.
In the past you could turn the world off its hinges together, tenderness and talk were endless. WE - that "us can't anyone" feeling that at the beginning of a relationship seems to be forever. But after three years at the latest, everyday life catches up with love. And with him this feeling: Before, we were much closer …
Claims and idiosyncrasies that we found appealing at the beginning suddenly become annoying. Children, job, stress - the relationship is changing. But where does it ultimately fail?
Couples therapist Brigitte Moshammer-Peter: "The most common reason given is a lack of love. Freshly in love, one lives under the illusion of having found the 100% person, the person who fulfills all wishes and longings. One idealizes and glorifies. After a period of three months comes the disillusionment. The beloved also has weaknesses and mistakes. This target-is-difference is then blamed on the partner. Quite a few then try to raise the partner according to their own wishes. This does not always meet with approval. The partner withdraws - the alienation process begins,"
"Why did we become more than just an affair?"
According to sex expert Brigitte Moshammer-Peter, expectations that are too high are what put a strain on our relationships. "It is no longer just durability that is desired, but also long-term high quality. What used to hold couples together - social constraints, sanctions, financial reasons, status and worldview - is becoming less important." Only relationships in which both partners feel satisfied and comfortable are lasting. But how do you get that feeling of happiness in the first few months? How do you check whether you should fight for the relationship - or whether a breakup is the more pain-free way?
The advice of the couple therapist: "The partner's knowledge must be renewed in a kind of relationship check. What do we want now, tomorrow, for the future? Who is the person I fell in love with - and which of these sides can I rediscover?" So that love doesn't fall by the wayside, Moshammer-Peter has put together the most important questions one should ask before a breakup in a check. Questions that can save love - because they bring clarity to where you stand in your relationship and what you can do to rediscover your partner.
1
Why did we become more than an affair? Why did a date or kiss become more than just a one night stand? What led to the magic of the beginning, what did you admire about your partner? Was it neat while you were a slob? Did he surprise you with spontaneous ideas while you were pulling out the TV evening? What was it that was attractive, different, and lovable about the partner? And which of these properties are still there, just perhaps taking a back seat? Tip: look at previous photos, smile, look at your partner with different eyes again. And ask yourself when you last spoiled or surprised him. Moshammer-Peter: "It is important to create shared and exclusive experiences again and again and thus to strengthen the relationship."
2
What crises have we survived? It's not so much the good moments that really say something about the quality of a relationship. But the way in which you master and survive crises. Job loss, illness, a bereavement in the family or just a stressful time: Has your partner got your back? Was he there for you when you wanted to cry Did he bring you tea when your stomach rebelled? It is less about HOW the partner reacted in the crisis, but more about whether he reacted. Show yourself again why you can rely on this person.
3
How did the children change our relationship? As much as we love them: Very few couples are aware of the changes and often also the stress children can represent in a relationship. Often times, when you think about this fact, it becomes clear to you that it may not be the partner directly, but the circumstances that are difficult. Brigitte Moshammer-Peter: "For many women, motherhood means resigning from a professional perspective. This fact needs to be compensated because otherwise the working partner is often met with envy and aggression. His professional activity is then no longer a work, but an opportunity for Perceived self-fulfillment that remains unattainable for women. And the couple has to redefine themselves as a couple. Time off from their children is extremely important and is still underestimated by many young parents."
4
What is my greatest wish and fear for our relationship? And how real is it that these wishes and fears will come true? Wishes and demands are usually not communicated openly. I want to have a child with you! I want you to marry me I want to emigrate with you, build a life elsewhere. If you want something, you have to say it clearly in order to be heard. This gives the partner the chance to react. And then has clarity - or a disappointment. But this is still easier to deal with than uncertainty. Expert Brigitte Moshammer-Peter: "One of the greatest fears in relationships is that of betrayal. Regardless of whether it is an affair, disloyal behavior or promises not kept. Because mistakes are forgivable, but betrayal removes the foundation from a relationship. That again building is very, very difficult."
5
What should our relationship look like in ten years? Perhaps one of the most important questions. Can you clearly formulate your demands and wishes for the relationship? What are you prepared to invest in it yourself? Where do you sit back and hope that your partner will fulfill and implement your own wishes? Do the goals and desires match? Antoine de Saint Exupery says: "Love is not when we look into each other's eyes, but when we look together in the same direction".
6
What am I doing to strengthen the relationship? No, the cooked dinner is not possible. Not even about when the rubbish was last carried down. It is compliments and appreciation, appreciative communication that stabilizes relationships. Moshammer-Peter: "We rarely tell our partner what we love and appreciate about them." The renowned American pair researcher John Gottman has come up with a simple formula for successful communication. It says that for every criticism, five positive signals, such as compliments, a smile, body contact, etc. must be sent in order to keep a relationship stable. Common rituals are also important to keep love alive.
7
What do i know about you Happy couples know about the important things in their partner's life. What is moving him at the moment, what is it that scares him, what makes him happy? Small gifts such as a souvenir from shopping are a visible expression of this attitude. The material value is completely unimportant, it is about having recognized the other.
Love tip: Answers these questions regularly. They are used to check where you are in your relationship. Then answer the questions on behalf of your partner. Even better if he answers the questions himself and compares the results with you while taking a walk. You will be amazed what seven simple questions can trigger.