Table of contents:
From cool detachment during an argument to extreme parentheses: 7 signs your relationship is not as happy as you thought it was.
It is usually easier to sweep things under the rug than to face them and tidy up.
Perhaps you have only now noticed that your partner is obsessed with their career. Or the magic of the first fall in love suddenly wears off and your loved one begins to break away from you a little. Whatever it is, you can feel that something is out of whack. And you hope that if you ignore it long enough, it will go away on its own.
But there are seven problems in a relationship that will not go away easily. And so it can become a real disaster for your love.
But don't panic: Most of them can be repaired and regained. Provided you face them.
7 questions to ask yourself before ending a relationship and breaking up
How you can tell your relationship is not as happy as you think it is
# 1: You are overly happy at your wedding
Uff. Of course we were extremely happy at the wedding, you will hopefully call out now. But what is meant is something else: this almost exaggerated affection, this irrepressible ecstasy of happiness that irritates even outsiders. A study published in Psychology Today found that couples who divorced after seven years were about a third more affectionate and affectionate as newlyweds than couples whose marriage was happier in the long run. The head of the study Aviva Patz: "This intensity and bliss is difficult to maintain over several years. That leads to disappointment, you get the feeling more quickly that love has subsided. Couples who experience less" Hollywood romance "usually have one more promising future."
# 2: One of you backs off during an argument
It is not good to scream in anger during an argument. But if the partner refuses to speak at all during a conflict, then that is a very bad sign. A 2010 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that “withdrawal behavior” (predominantly of men) resulted in higher divorce rates. Another study in 2014 concluded that relationships in which the partners live a "demand / withdrawal" pattern in conflict situations are less happy. Paul Schrodt, lead author of this study: "As a result, each partner thinks that the other is the cause of the problem. This pattern must urgently be broken, everyone recognizes that their individual behavior also contributes to the dispute and that there are more respectful strategies for conflict management."
# 3: You don't think about each other when you're apart
In 2007, researchers selected 300 married couples and asked them about their relationships and how much in love they still are. Interesting finding: the more people reported that they think of their partner when they spend time without them, the more in love they felt. A follow-up experiment with 400 married people showed that men in love in particular have difficulty concentrating on other things because they keep thinking about their partner. If the principle of "out of sight, out of mind" prevails during interim separations, then something is wrong in your relationship.
# 4: You don't spend time with other people
Give yourselves a chance to miss each other. According to Eli Finkel, a psychologist at Northwestern University, modern couples have high expectations in their relationships. They want to be lovers, soul mates, best friends, intellectual sparring partners, and therapists for one another. But we cannot take on all roles - which often ends in disappointment. It is more advisable to look for someone from the outside for some of these tasks. Your best friend, colleague or someone in the family. This leaves us feeling satisfied and happier.
# 5: Your relationship is like a roller coaster ride
Yeah, the bad times are really bad. But the good times are so amazingly good … Doesn't that count? Hm. Maybe. Researchers published a report in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2016. After questioning 400 married couples, they were able to identify four different attachment patterns: dramatic, conflict-laden, socially engaged and partner-oriented. "Dramatic" couples quickly lose the feeling of attachment to their partner, every little deviation from the script is seen as the end of the world and, above all, love (interestingly, they also made up the largest group). Partner-oriented couples saw their partner positively and only felt less connected when they had little time together. Socially engaged couples did not question the relationship until friends or family questioned their own image of their marriage. Conflicting relationships experienced many small but not too extreme fluctuations. Unsurprisingly, partner-oriented marriages lasted the longest. Relationships in which feelings towards the partner fluctuated extremely between love and hate were the most likely to fail.
# 6: you want to "balance" each other
Opposites attract each other at the beginning - but in the course of a relationship it is precisely these differences that become a problem. Couples therapist Rachel Sussman told Business Insider that the differences between two people (one expressive, the other withdrawn) most often lead to a love failure in her practice. "No one can compensate for another or create a permanent balance between completely different characters. Such relationships require an excess of willingness to compromise and mutual understanding."
# 7: Your values are extremely different
Do you want kids Are you religious? Among other things, these questions should be clarified before seriously entering into a relationship. The couple psychologist Peter Pearson told the "Business Insider" that shared values are actually the "holy grail" for happiness in relationships. It is important to separate values from interests. If your partner loves concerts but you don't: Then there is always a compromise solution. If, however, career and money are at the top of the list of priorities for him, but are of no importance to you, then this will lead to problems in the medium term.
